Barking: 8/1/07 3:15 experiment poem
with this post, on danika’s recommendation, i am joining rhian’s Monday poetry train, and will hereby do my best to post a poem each monday
the following is a poem from this year’s 315 experiment–a transcription of what i wrote at 315am Aug 1–followed by a version edited tonight. for more info go to www.315experiment.com
Weds Aug 1 315am Ventura
The damned dogs sound
mechanical in the warm fog
a metal larygnx
spews out barks
its voicebox rusting
hollow echoing
bouncing off the fog
ricocheting in the
sweaty night
what are you barking at dog
what are you barking for dog
can’t you tell that no one cares
the way you do
stop crying into the night
shake the disturbance
out of your belly
find your home your bed
tuck your nose
under your tail
and shut the fuck up
revised 8/1 315 poem:
Damned dog sounds
mechanical in warm fog
metal larygnx
spews out barks
voicebox rusty
hollow echoes
bounce in fog
ricochet off
sweaty night
what are you barking at dog
what are you barking for dog
can’t you tell no one cares
the way you do?
stop crying into the night
shake the disturbance
out of your belly
find your home your bed
tuck your nose
under your tail
& shut the fuck up
shut the fuck up!
Both versions work for me. I like the question asked to that dog.
Does any one care?
Heya! I’ve seen this one before, of course. I love the “sweaty night” – as if the night itself could perspire. And the ending is great (surprise – you potty mouth).
How come the comments aren’t listed below? I can’t see what anyone else said? That’s half the fun is reading other people’s comments.
i have it set to moderate the first comment from folks i don’t know…am i being newbie blogger paranoid? i am looking forward to reading people’s comments and yes will be sharing them and seeing peoples comments on comments on comments.
i am going to try to write and post new poems/work each week but just getting a poem posted is the primary goal!
thanks again, danika, for turning me onto this!
oh and on the potty mouth–don’t you love the almost internal rhyme of tuck and fuck??? and how fucking is tucking?
Hello, i like your poem.
i live in a small village where this could be any night.
my favorite line is “stop crying into the night”
yeah, that one i know all to well.
Ah – well, if anyone says anything inappropriate, I think you can delete it. Not sure, I use blogger and I’m too lazy to switch to wordpress even though it’s much swankier.
Yes, I love the tuck fuck sound. I like subtle / surprise rhymes.
The Monday assignment has kept me thinking about poetry and the discipline is good.
BTW – you’ve been “tagged” for a meme. Don’t worry, it was bound to happen sooner or later. If you stick around blogland long enough you’ll do plenty of them. It just means you answer a question or address a particular subject and post it on your blog and then ask someone else to do the same. You have to check my blog to see what it is, though. :-)
i prefer the first one. i can feel you in it. in the second one i can feel you trying to be different than you. but that’s just me.
‘what are you barking at dog
what are you barking for dog
can’t you tell no one cares
the way you do?
stop crying into the night’
This is great – in both versions. Welcome to the Poetry Train! You picked a great day to hop aboard. Pop over to my blog – there’s big party going on!
I’ve often asked myself the same question about dogs barking in the night. What are they barking at? :) Both versions are good.
Nice to meet you, AP! I use comment moderation; I like it.
As for the poem, both versions work, but I think I like the way the first one ends better. The repetition doesn’t grab me, but that’s me and we’re all different (thank God!), so take it with a grain of salt.
Poor little dog, he might be just asking for a little bit attention!!!
Or some food!!
I really like the imaginrey of the barking being stop by the fog…
Welcome to the poetry train. You picked a great week to join, with Rhi’s Blogoversary. I like both poems, I think I like the first a little better because it’s so immediate. I don’t moderate my comments, but I don’t get a lot of traffic where it might be needed, I used to do the word verification but I stopped because I swear the only person it caugh was me!
awww man – where’s my comment – i know i left one!
can’t remember what i said now – but loved the poem.
especially the end.
hey rhian, you left a comment on another post–how i became the art predator…
being new to blogging, i keep getting tripped up on different things–like when i went to comment on danika’s, i couldn’t find the comment box (it was on my messy desktop!) and to comment on yours, i had to figure out how to enable something or another before i could get it to work!
glad you liked the poem–and thanks again for getting this train on track! iit’s been fun reading everyone’s posts and comments and discovering all these blogs and interesting people!
welcome aboard artpredator! and yup – i still sometimes post things in wrong places. even talk to the wrong people on blogs not their own. of course i’m a total doofus so no one is surprised!
thanks everybody, for reading my first poetry train poem, for commenting, and for being so welcoming!
see you next week–if not before!
Um, just checking out the 3:15 poetry…awesome…best, Darren King